Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
