My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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