Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
