I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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