this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
