You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I met the friendliest cop last night
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
