I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
