Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
