I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
