I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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