Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
