I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
