I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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