my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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