when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
