And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
