when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
