he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
