Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
