Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
