i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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