my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
