you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize