You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
