they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
