There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
