You just made me feel so damn special
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
