You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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