Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
