I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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