He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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