I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
