3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
