i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
