FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
