After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
