I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
