I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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