It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
