i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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