i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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