Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
