He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
