I am spending my child support on dildos
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
