I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
