I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
