I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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