I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
