No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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