dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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