My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
