walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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