Please, let me fuck your mom
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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