I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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