M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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