I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
