I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
