I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
