I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
