My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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