Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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